Difficult to Consummate Marriage

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As-salamu `alaykum.

Thank you so much for reaching out to us. We appreciate your kind words regarding the cyber counselor service of IslamOnline. You will be happy to know that we are now celebrating four years of offering people like yourselves sound advice rooted in Islamic teachings! Make du`aa’ that we can continue to help, especially those people like yourself who feel that they have an issue that they are too shy to discuss with anyone else. We are here for you.

First, we want to reassure you that perfect first nights for newlyweds are rare, and that you should not feel any stress because you have not yet consummated your marriage. Entertainment sources paint a rosy picture of the first night as being something memorable, and we agree it should be memorable. However, there is generally too much emphasis on the first night as also being the most perfect night of sexual intimacy. That we cannot agree with because, according to Islamic teachings, newlyweds should not have any previous intimate interaction, and therefore, cannot be expected to know immediately how to bring each other to sexual satisfaction. You should not be stressed because,in sha’ Allah, you have your whole life ahead of you to figure out what pleases both of you.

Second, remember that sexual relations need not be awkward and shameful. Al-hamdu lillah, it is by the mercy of Allah Most High that we human beings have been granted the ability to enjoy uninhibited sexual intimacy with our spouses in line with Islamic teachings. Muslims are socialized sometimes to believe that it is not appropriate to speak aloud about one’s sexual desires. Yes, we agree that, other than with one’s spouse, it is very much against Islamic teachings to speak aloud or via e-mail or text message or chat rooms about one’s sexual desires. However, the ability of each spouse to share with the other his or her desires is the essential criterion in making sexual relations less awkward and shameful. One need not speak in a loud voice, and in fact, a whisper in the spouse’s ear is more desirable. There is no shame in one spouse whispering to the other what stimulates him or her. It is possible that each spouse can instinctively know what the other desires, but you shouldn’t leave it up to chance that you, somehow, will just know what excites your husband. Talk to each and other and guide each other with whispers and gentle leading.

Third, you should understand that there are many variables involved in becoming excited and reaching a climax. The real challenge is to be patient and playful with one another as you attempt to figure out what those variables are for each of you. The most important thing about sexual relations is that you should both enjoy yourselves, even if you are not able to do everything that you want to do during that session.

Remember that both of you must be well rested and relaxed to be able to enjoy being intimate with each other. We suggest that on a weekend night, like a Friday night or Saturday night, both of you should eat a nice dinner together and go to sleep. Before you sleep, set the alarm for half an hour before the Fajr (Dawn) Prayer time starts. Allow yourselves at least six or seven hours of sound sleep, so do not delay going to sleep that night. When you wake up half an hour before dawn, both of you should make wudu’ (ablutions) and your husband should lead you in Tahajjud Prayers (optional late night Prayers). This is the voluntary Prayer for which there is great reward,in sha’ Allah. You should make du`aa’ to Allah to guide you both and to bless your marriage. Once the time for the Fajr Prayer arrives, pray together and make du`aa’ to Allah to bless your marriage. After Prayer, spend the rest of the morning hours being playful and intimate. Remember, There is a du`aa’ that the Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings be upon him) taught us to say during these intimate moments.

Bismillaahi Allaahumma jannibna-sh-shaytana wa jannibi-sh-shaytana maa razaqtana.